The Visit
by Busman's Holiday
Summary: Ste's in hospital after the wedding bus crash and he asks Cheryl to ask Brendan to visit. And Brendan does, breaking his pact with God.


_Summary: Ste's in hospital after the wedding bus crash and he asks Cheryl to ask Brendan to visit. And Brendan does, breaking his pact with God._

* * *

**The Visit**

He's aware of a pair of eyes on him when he wakes. But he doesn't see who it is first of all, even though he hopes he knows who has visited, he hears the rhythmic beating of the machines. They used to be keeping him alive but now they're a reminder that he's pulling through. Apart from a groggy head and limbs that hurt more than ever, he's okay. Doug's been hovering around the bed all day, even when Ste told him to go home and get some rest. He holds Ste's hand like he's afraid of him slipping away from him and keeps stroking the wedding band as a reminder of who he is. You're not allowed to keep jewellery on in the hospital, he says, but they made an exception. Ste can't remember getting married or why he wanted to now.

The figure in the doorway shifts and just the movement of him – it's definitely a him – floods Ste with a thousand memories. If he'd be fit enough, he would be leaping out of bed and throwing his arms around him. But that's not who they are. And Brendan's been making him wait all day for this visit.

"It's creepy to watch someone sleep you know," he says. He's aware of how fragile he sounds, but Brendan's making him fight the sluggish drugs. He turns his head and finally sees him standing there. It's an expression he's not seen on Brendan before. He looks worn. He's hunched over and smaller. It makes Ste uneasy; Brendan's the pillar of strength and now he seems crumbled.

He forces a smile, barely able to take his eyes off the machines and Ste's bruising. He clears this throat but even then his voice sounds hazy and distant. "I can't stay, I just-"

Ste encourages him in and he stands a foot away from the bed, arms folded and rocking back on his heels.

"No grapes?" Ste says, desperate for Brendan to speak. It's a comfort to hear his voice again; to make sure he's not dreaming.

"They were out," he says, another tight smile. He looks around the hospital room, picks up a card Leah's drawn and huffs out a breath.

"How do I look?" Ste's grin droops a little and it's an effort to make it believable but despite Brendan being _his_ visitor, he feels he has to make conversation.

Brendan's eyes flick over with anguish for a moment, taking in all the tubes. "Not so bad," he lies.

Ste's mouth feels as rough as the sheets and he eyes the cup of water by the bed. A pack of straws and cotton wool lays nearby, Doug's doing, even in Ste's insistence that he could drink from the cup himself. "Can you just-?" Ste asks, signalling to the water.

Brendan's even more antsy at this test and the water slops out the sides where he's topped up the cup too full. Realising this, Brendan drinks some of the excess and then hesitates realising they shouldn't be sharing. It makes Ste laugh and his ribs ache. He accepts the cup and sips delicately from it with Brendan angling the cup. A few water droplets seep out of the cups and down his mouth; either Brendan doesn't notice or doesn't want to touch him that intimately.

"I thought you'd stood me up," Ste says when he's had enough to drink and his mouth feels his own again. "I thought you weren't gonna come."

"I had things to do first off," Brendan says, not making eye contact as he places the cup back.

"More important than me?" Ste says and he only realises the pleading in his voice when Brendan looks at him and replies.

"Nothing's more important that you."

Ste knows he feels guilty as soon as he says it because he looks at the wedding ring and then away again like he's been burned. He looks shifty on his feet and glances over at the door. "I should … Douglas will be back soon so –"

"You _can_ touch me, you know. I won't break." Ste looks up at him with imploring eyes.

Brendan steps closer and studies him. His anxiety pulses through the rocking of his feet and for a moment Ste thinks he might touch his shoulder or pat his hand; just the briefest, most clinical form of affection. But then his palm comes up and warmth spreads through his skin when he holds it against Ste's cheek. His fingertips bristle a little into Ste's hair and there's just enough movement for Ste to feel that his cheek's being stroked by Brendan's thumb.

Ste's so afraid he'll take his hand away too soon that he places his on top of Brendan's.

"I can't believe I almost lost you," Brendan says. His words are so soft he almost doesn't correct himself. "That we almost lost you."

Ste presses his grip on Brendan's hand as hard as his energy lets him. "You came to see me when I first came in? Cheryl said…"

He nods. "Course. Course I did."

"Why?"

His thumb stills. "You know why."

Ste doesn't push it any further for that moment. His head drops slightly, his eyes growing watery. "Loads of people died, Bren."

"I know," he says, fingers brushing through Ste's hair. "Them dying is nothing for you to feel guilty about, you hear me?" He tilts Ste's head up so they have eye contact. "Don't you go thinking it is. You gotta be strong. You know, God made you pull through for a reason, you got those beautiful kids of yours." He pauses. "And you got Douglas too."

"And you," Ste says, eyes soft with affection.

Brendan's eyes close for a moment and Ste can see that he's dwelling on something. The pain in his expression makes Ste want to reach out and hold him, but the most he can manage is flopping his hand onto Brendan's arm and run it over the woollen sleeve.

"Kiss me," Ste says, a little croaky. It's just loud enough for them both to hear. There's alarm in Brendan's eyes and he goes to shake his head. "Please," Ste says, begging. He doesn't feel alive yet.

Ste's eyelids are heavy when he closes them and the moment is brief but everlasting. Brendan's lips are as dry as his when they finally touch. They press, feather-light, and open just a fraction so their lips brush with a sweet clicking sound. His smell is a comfort and warms him from the centre right through his bruised and damaged body. He stops thinking about the car and the van and the lives that have been lost. The kiss reminds him of life.

Brendan doesn't let it last as long as Ste would like and he releases his cheek, squeezing his shoulder to signal the end of the intimacy that's passed.

A nurse breezes into the room and Brendan jumps back from the bed. She notices the closeness and apologises, saying she'll give them a few moments. Brendan takes this as his reason to leave and says he'll be off.

When he's by the door, Ste stops him.

"Brendan," he says, waiting for him to turn around. "Thanks. For coming to see me, I mean."

He nods, a smile of relief creasing the corners of his mouth.

It had to mean something, didn't it? That when he woke he expected to see Brendan at his bed and felt nothing but disappointment when he found Doug there. His husband Doug. So as Brendan pulls open the door to leave, Ste says it. And it's been in his system for months, lingering.

"I love you too," he says.


End file.
